How to suck on guitar, my 12 step program...

By Herman Le Roux of JUGGERNAUGHT!!!

1. Crank the distortion, if you ever see a gain knob turn it up all the way!!

2. Multi-effects processors are sweet dude!! Don't waste your money buying expensive stomp units, get yourself a multi-effects unit like the Boss GT-10, they really sound like the real thing, fuck yea, the effects are really awesome as well man!!

3. Effects rule! Reverb? Up to 10 please, phaser? yep, its the coolest sound in the world!! Wah? Every single note you play needs to be wah'd. Bass needs to be turned up all the way!!

4. You only ever need to know the minor pentatonic scale, it's the only scale in existence, don't ever try to add notes or move it to get the modal thing, just play the scale up and down as fast as you can and all the 16 year old kids would think you are a guitar god. 

5. PLAY FAST! Speed is everything!! Youre playing a ballad? No prob, shred it!! You don't have to worry about timing or getting the songs tight or nothing, just think "what would Herman Lee do?" Sweep picking and tapping is awesome as well man!!

6. Practice is for geeky loser types.

7. Music theory cramps your personal style. Knowing music theory won't help you at all, in fact you have your own personal style and knowing theory will just make you sound like everyone else. It doesn't give you any new options or anything, in fact, it gives you limitations.

8. Amplifiers have nothing to do with your tone, you could literally just plug your guitar into your pc and guitar rig will sort it out for you. If you need to play live, get yourself one of those line 6 jobbies with all the sweet effects built in, those things sound phat yo!!

9. Be superior, you are the best guitarist in the world, don't let anyone tell you otherwise! If anyone offers advice, take it as an insult, who are they to talk to you anyways? Didn't they just see you sweep the hell out of hotel california?

10. Brand is everything, if it doesn't say Gibson on it, it sounds shit and you are poor.

11. Remember, it is not about playing for the song, it's about being louder than everyone else in the band, to impress the chicks. While youre at it, get the band as loud as possible, then get your level above the rest.

12. Your guitar is tuned just fine, if not, tune it on stage, by ear and take a long time to do it, let everyone hear you tune but never really get it right. As they say, it's close enough.

If you follow these steps I am confindent that you will become a sucky guitarist in no time!!